I pride myself on being totally honest in this sphere and I’m thankful that I have a place where I can write out what I’m going through both physically and emotionally, the highs and lows of that, and how as a now 29 year old, pretty average British lass I’m still figuring it all out!
This week I’ve had the pleasure of being reached out to by a few friends and loved ones who are struggling. They don’t know it but I’ve been struggling too. To have them come to me, if even just for a cup of tea or a late night text, makes me feel incredibly touched. I like to think that by being totally open here, I’ve opened up avenues for people to feel comfortable admitting they’re not ok to me. There is nothing more important than feeling that you can openly say “you know what I’m just not doing so good”.
Amsterdam is beautiful. The people are friendly, the views are liberal, and the vibe is old city meets hipster chic and I just loved it. Obviously I was there to run it, not sightsee but I tried to do a little of both.
Amsterdam marathon was to be my second full 26.2 and I had been training towards my sub4. My training had gone really well and if you are a regular to this space you’ll know all about it. I’d got comfortable running 5ks with a pace starting with a 7, 10ks and halfs with an 8, and I just hoped I could hold out with the 9 minute mile for 26.2.
I’ve been so slack on my marathon diaries and have shamefully not updated you on my training since the super awesome 18 miler. Well I’ve now said hello and swiftly goodbye to the 20 miler, recorded a new 5K and 10K PB and got myself a lot stronger! It’s officially two weeks till the taper tantrums start, but I’m slowing things down a little early to jet set off to my second home and get that much needed Vitamin D boost!
My buddy messaged me yesterday to say she just couldn’t stop doubting herself, and whilst I reeled off (with ease) the 1 million reasons why she really should never doubt herself, the things I see in her every day that make her an incredible human! I couldn’t help but feel like a total hypocrite because I was sat on the sofa, sipping tea, and doubting myself hard.
It was so easy for me to look at her and say “You’re a crazy woman! Doubt! You’re flipping incredible, stop it right now and believe in yourself!” And it was 100% true, it rolled so effortlessly out my head, I had no second thoughts, no questions no what if’s!
Training hard, watching the clock and the scales can be such a results driven game. It’s easy to forget the feeling, the love, the passion for what you’re doing, for what I’m doing.
I’ve been flirting with an ITB flare up for a week or two. This is my bodies go to injury, I know it well and it has meant being sensible-ish, well more sensible than I normally am; Listening intently, stretching, and not pushing my running all that hard. I am still trying desperately to get faster, and as Amsterdam sneaks ever closer I can’t help but want to work every run, every session at max level.
Words are so incredibly powerful, I love them which is why my favourite pastimes are to write, read, or listen. But the balance of the universe means that if they’re not helping us they’re hurting us.
Do you want to know how many hurtful things I’ve said to myself today?
This week I had coffee with my dad and had an impromptu chat about my depression. We chatted about what I felt changed me from the most whimsical carefree child to an adult with the struggles I’ve had. I’ve always been fairly adamant that for me it was never one thing or one moment, and although I stick to that. I recognise that’s a hard sell to others.
This week saw 500ish people take to the foreshore of Worthing seafront to run a 10k race against Mother Nature. I’ve had a lifelong love affair with the coast and the water in general; it’s beautiful, calming, unruly, and free! A race alongside my favourite element did not disappoint, I had an absolute blast.
I’ve been struggling with what to write over the past week as life everywhere seems super crazy; locally, nationally, internationally.
The scale of chaos and hurt being felt by so many is unreal to anything I have ever witnessed. I couldn’t begin to imagine what the solution is, or how we go about turning hate into love. And most of all I really really would never want to diminish from any of these huge issues, or begin for even a second to think there is any simplicity within them.
I do however think we can choose our own narrative, and in doing so positively impact on the small space we inhabit. There are people out there who have the power to change the world, I know some of them, and I follow lots of them. Then there are the rest of us who have the power to impact on the place we are and the people that are in it. Both of these types of people are needed more than ever right now.