This week I have done a grand total of nothing, well that’s a lie I managed a spin session on Wednesday. Life has thrown in some rather abrupt curve balls of late, most related to that proper job, the one that keeps everything ticking and turning over, keeps a roof (with a hole in it) over my head, and a bath where I can try and soak all this away. The balance I fight so hard for every day is eroding and I am once again left flailing, fire fighting, trying to catch my breath. And as my chest tightens and my eyes well, I know that I am tired, ever so tired, and ever so alone. Why do I only write when things are going to shit?!
So instead this week all I really could do, sat at my desk surrounded by paper, is consider what this means. Training has at best been sporadic and all the questions you should ask yourself before taking on a massive challenge like this, all the fears that you have before the start, it seems have been realised for me. I’ve got through to the 3.8km swim, I’ve got through the 26.2, and I’m ramping up the bike miles each week 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100! Is that enough though?! Although to the untrained eye, yes of course it is. To the trained the answer is no! No it is not enough, missing 5 workouts in a week, and no it is not enough to miss long runs and tempo rides and strength sessions and endurance swims. Another 12 hour day and a shandy in hand, when I should be somewhere else on feet, or wheels, or water.
I am stretched very thinly, and all the comments from before I started fill my head like angry little ghosts from the past. ‘You’re taking on too much’, ‘why are you doing this’, ‘you won’t be able to’ ‘you’re being selfish’. The guilt of everything I’ve already missed throughout this weighs heavy on me, the times I miss with friends and family, the relationships that take hit after hit.
The biggest emotion is fear, fear that maybe this is the thing that will forever be unattainable, that all the hours so far will come to nothing in the end. I’m scared that what everyone said at the start was right. I’m scared that I will fail. I’m scared most by how much I’m currently failing, those daily, weekly fails that are adding up, with a ticking clock, and the knowledge that those things together mean that I’m running out of time to pull it back.
And of course I know that nobody cares apart from me, and I only write these words to stop the tears from coming, and to try and realign my thoughts in to some sensible pattern. I’ve learnt so much, I’ve come so far, these are the words I must hold on to. As I repeat them over and over in my head.
The hard and fast truth is that everything hurts from trying or failing, brain included.
My heart is heavy. My air BNB is booked.
Just keep going.
I must keep going.