I pride myself on being totally honest in this sphere and I’m thankful that I have a place where I can write out what I’m going through both physically and emotionally, the highs and lows of that, and how as a now 29 year old, pretty average British lass I’m still figuring it all out!
This week I’ve had the pleasure of being reached out to by a few friends and loved ones who are struggling. They don’t know it but I’ve been struggling too. To have them come to me, if even just for a cup of tea or a late night text, makes me feel incredibly touched. I like to think that by being totally open here, I’ve opened up avenues for people to feel comfortable admitting they’re not ok to me. There is nothing more important than feeling that you can openly say “you know what I’m just not doing so good”.
And you know what right now, I’m just not doing so good!
After the massive high of a marathon I have to watch my post marathon blues carefully, they can crumble into something bigger. I’m aware of this so much more this time round and built in my safety blanket to catch me after I unsurprisingly fell.
But this has felt different, this time I had so much more going on. My life had been turned around and I felt incredibly unstable.
One of the biggest factors was moving house and feeling very unconnected to the place I now find myself. It was and still is making me feel unconnected to my life, unsure of myself. I’ve felt like I’m letting down my friends and family by not seeing them enough, or being involved enough in their lives, whilst instantly feeling like I’m letting myself down by not focusing on where I am, and what I need to fix. Take one of these things or even a handful of them and it wouldn’t be a problem, I know how to cope now, I’m resilient to my own downfalls. But put them together and I’ve begun to crumble, and don’t even get me started on my own guilt of feeling that I should now after all this time know better, and know how to fix this, how to fix me!
This is one of the many mind games we play. When we convince ourselves or at least I convince myself I’m not performing to the standards the world has put on me. The lie here is that I’m only not performing to the standards I’ve put on myself.
So how can I help anyone? How can you help anyone? How can I help me?
Give yourself a break! Life is hard and sometimes it’s really really hard. If your one achievement today is that you got up then take it, own it, you did it and I’m proud of you! Break everything down in to bite size chunks of achievable, and give yourself a huge pat on the back for every single one you complete! You deserve that praise, you are incredible!
Be there for others. This doesn’t mean saying it’s all going to be ok, or fixing anything! This just means checking in, sending a text, writing a blog, putting the kettle on. For the most part it might not be saying anything, it’s just opening the door for that person to come to you when they’re ready. It might just be saying I’m here at any point, at any time, and you take the time you need because I’m not going anywhere.
The last thing I will say that I hope rings true is that not coping can be exhausting! Even though I’m in a place now where most days I don’t have to consider my depression at all, I still have to consciously spend a lot of time managing my mood, what I eat, what I’m up to, my triggers, my exercise regime, where I am and where I’m going.
So the biggest thing I could ever say to anyone is that more than anything else, I need patience; I need to give myself that patience and I need to receive it from all the incredible people in my life. My Depression does not and will not make any sense, it will never be logicked away, and will never fit into any neat box.
Sometimes more than anything it’s accepting that we need to allow ourselves the space and time to let the clouds part and the blue sky to once again be visible!
Please know you can always talk to me. You can always reach out to me. You can always say I’m not ok. Because even on the days when I’ve got it all together I’m so vividly aware of what it feels like to have it fall apart.